Gov’t Introduces Prophecy Quota; No More Than 3 National Disasters Per Quarter

Ghana’s newly appointed Presidential Prophecy Envoy has announced a strict quarterly quota on national disasters, declaring that “too many prophecies create congestion in the spiritual traffic lanes.” From now on, prophets may only predict up to three major calamities per quarter — anything beyond that will be rolled over into the next quarter like unused mobile data.

The quota is designed to give the public a fighting chance to respond to incoming plagues. “You can’t have seven disasters in two weeks and expect people to keep up,” said Apostle Francis Amoako Attah, Founder and leader of Parliament Chapel International. “We need breathing space to stockpile holy water.” The Chief Demon Hunter at the Ministry of Interior will personally review all submissions to ensure fairness, prioritising disasters with “clear national impact” over smaller, localised misfortunes like a goat refusing to cross the road.

Some prophets have welcomed the decision, saying it will finally end the “prophetic overcrowding” that often sees multiple visions competing for attention at the same Sunday service. Others, however, have threatened to take their excess prophecies underground, warning of a black market in unapproved visions — complete with “Buy Two, Get One Free” doom packages.

Meanwhile, the Ministry of Information has promised to publish a quarterly “National Doom Calendar” so citizens can plan weddings and funerals around incoming plagues, floods, and mysterious winds. “We want to make disaster predictable again,” the envoy reassured, adding that all approved prophecies will be broadcast live on GTV with simultaneous translation in Twi, Ga, Ewe, and angelic tongues.