White House Demands Nobel Medicine Prize Recount, Says RFK Jr. Cheated by “Big Immune System”

WASHINGTON — The White House has called for a full recount of this year’s Nobel Prize in Medicine after discovering, to its horror, that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was not the winner. Press Secretary Byron Bliss accused the Nobel Committee of “disenfranchising millions of natural healers,” claiming the prize had been “rigged by Big Immune System — the shadowy network of cells, scientists, and facts working against freedom.”

According to the administration, the committee “ignored real science” by rewarding discoveries about immune tolerance instead of Kennedy’s “courageous stand against unregulated antibodies.”

The President, described by aides as “livid but also slightly confused,” demanded to know “how Sweden could deny an American hero who’s done more for the virus community than any scientist alive.” He promptly announced a rival award, the Real Medicine Prize, to honor “ordinary citizens who cure things using Facebook and essential oils.” Kennedy, speaking from a detox cabin, said he was “deeply humbled” and that he never wanted the Nobel anyway — “except maybe just to prove that vaccines really can cause jealousy.”

Meanwhile, the Department of Health and Human Services subpoenaed the Nobel laureates for “spreading unregulated tolerance” and “colluding with the thymus.” Congressional hearings are planned to determine whether regulatory T cells are “secretly woke.” “If these cells are suppressing attacks, who are they protecting?” one senator asked. “Could be China.”

As of press time, the Nobel Committee had yet to respond, though insiders said members were “considering relocating the prizes to a bunker.” Sweden’s foreign minister assured reporters the recount would be unnecessary, “since Nobel ballots aren’t a thing.”